Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Now I'm 49

Monday was my birthday.  I took the day off. This is my favorite thing to do... unfortunately.  I truly believe that depression has muted my existence permanently.  Anyway... I can't believe this is the last year of my 40s.  It's actually hard to digest the idea.  I don't feel "old."  Well, the only way I feel old is physically.  I am very, very out of shape.

Greg gave me this very fun talking gopher birthday card.  It says "you're special, special, special" in a sarcastic voice.

Anyway, I did this online values test and was surprised to see that I don't value friendships at all.  I don't really have any.  I have people who have been my friends, but I don't work to maintain the relationships.  I guess I got hurt too many times and gave up.  I don't believe that people understand me either.

Ok, that's weird.  I just happened upon this video and link about Saturn in the 3rd house.  Basically it is the feeling of being misunderstood.  It does indicate deep thought, but difficulty feeling that it can be understood.

It is also karma with siblings.  I have been having dreams about this and lots of internal work at letting go.  On Oct. 21st it was the third anniversary of Josh's death.  This will always be right before my birthday, which kind of sucks.



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